This is How She Finally Got Over You

July 19, 2018


I recently went through a heartbreak- a week before my summer break! A WEEK BEFORE MY SUMMER BREAK! I was so hurt and sad. I was watching comedy films and crying. I was crying while doing what I was doing: crying while cooking, crying while cleaning the flat, crying while folding clothes, CRYING WHILE WATCHING ADS BETWEEN FOOTBALL GAMES! I was just crying (and it felt okay).

It wasn't even that long, the "relationship", but I guess no number of days, months or years matter if you truly cared for that person. It hurts just the same. It was hard to accept that weekends will never be the same again. That evenings and some mornings would feel incomplete without the texts or memes. That McDonald's takeouts will never be as exciting.

The first 5 days were the hardest to bare. I'd cry in the bathroom, while having lunch, heck I'd even cry every after my "Good Bye" song to each class. Emotions were too heavy; I was angry, confused, happy and sad- really, really sad. It was after I sent the "hate text" when I finally felt better. I deleted all possible connections - social media and phone numbers. I deleted all message histories, pictures, videos anything to remind me of him.

I drank from (late) mornings until I pass out just before dinnertime. Bottles go empty in just a short period of time. I listened to sad songs from the 90s until the present time. I watched heartbreaking films, just so I could have a reason to cry even more.

Then I stopped drinking; because it made me realize, I'm not doing myself any good. I bought a new pair of gym shoes, and worked out every day. I made personal records every 2 days and spent longer hours in the gym as days pass.

I went to the beach, because there was no better medicine for the pain except saltwater and to get away. I used the GoPro I got you for your fishing trip.

I smiled at everyone, even strangers I met along the way. I made small-talks to people which I've always hated to do.

I reached out to people I admire, from strangers on social medias, people I've lost connections with for a long time, friends and families. I was desperate for a person. I was lonely and I was alone. What was surprising about this step is that I heard more from people I didn't expect I would. People who lent listening ears and gave their words to help me see better. I surrounded myself with people who encouraged me to be devastated, to cry and to feel better.

I wrote a lot about it- the whole experience. My journal was filled with rollercoasters of emotions. The good, sweet words that kept haunting me. The hurtful moments that I never really spoke about. The memories, the what-ifs, the maybes, the I-knew-its. Sleeping became difficult because I keep having flashbacks every time I close my eyes.

And then I've been praying; more now than I ever did before. I was talking to Him more. I am grateful because while I was praying for the relationship to work out and for him to be the one, He was actually working on removing him from my life to give way to someone better.

Three weeks after having the "not fun conversation"- I am finally over you. I finally got over being just an option, got over being second to everything else. It was never okay right from the start, but I liked you too much to walk away. You only wanted when things would be easy for you, only at your convenience, your own terms- never making me a priority.

But there are lessons I will always be thankful for from this experience- from you:
1. TRUST YOUR F***ING GUT. My gut was always right ABOUT EVERYTHING, but you made me believe I was crazy for assuming.
2. I DESERVE TO BE A PRIORITY. And never will I ever settle being just an option or a back up plan again.
3. YOU WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR THE WRONG ONE. Even with all the time and effort I invested, no matter how much I cared, no matter what; I can never be as good (or more) as someone else.
4. ACCEPT AND FORGIVE. My last text may not be a good one but I forgive you. This is my only consolation so I can freely move on.

5. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO LEAVE. It's not the end of the world. He is not the last of the good guys. There will be someone out there who will be everything he's not.
6. DO  NOT BE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF. Self-care is very important. Knowing your worth is the key and most important part of self-care.

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1 Comment/s

  1. Oh. I'm sorry darling. It was a good call that the relationship ended.

    ReplyDelete

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